This morning my husband woke me up to tell me about normal kid stuff and oh, by the way, President Monson passed away last night.  I’m not a morning person, so I said, “Good,” and rolled over and went back to sleep.

I didn’t really mean that, but the reality is that I’m just not sure how to feel about it.  I try to be as generous and compassionate and understanding as possible, and I know that a lot of Mormons are mourning right now over the loss of their President and Prophet.  Not too long ago I was one of them, and I would have mourned his loss as well.

As a post-Mormon, I deal with the reality that, among other things, Thomas Monson was President of the LDS church in November 2015 when the Exclusion Policy was introduced, which prompted me to remove my name from the records of the church that I loved then and still love today.  And that is just my own personal pain.  If I look around, there’s deeper pain felt by many others.  In no way would I want to disregard that in any life sum-up discussion of President Monson.

And yet, even with all that post-Mormon perspective, I think of my Mormon friends and family and sympathize with their grief.  I somehow feel that I should share it.  He used to be my Prophet, Seer, and Revelator, too.  It was my church.  He was my prophet.  I know it’s more complicated than that, but I kinda want to make it simple.  I want to let there be sadness and grief with no complicated “however” statements.  I can’t quite get there.  And so I feel guilty.  Which is about the point when the whole process repeats in my mind and I can’t yet resolve it.

So I’m here to say that no matter where you are in your relationship with the Mormon church, and no matter how you’re feeling over the passing of President Thomas S. Monson, even if you can’t figure out how you feel, or if you don’t care at all, … how you are feeling is okay.  No need for shame today: feel how you feel.